Letting go for heartbreak: 12 minutes, in the queue

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 12 minutes of letting go for heartbreak, in the queue. A guided session of about 12 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

Physical ache in the chest or throat
Checking for messages you do not want
Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this in a waiting room

You can do this with your eyes open and your hands where they are
Nothing here needs to look like a meditation
Aim for steadiness rather than calm

Waiting feeds the dread it is meant to relieve. Having something specific to do with the time is the useful part.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

0:00Check your hands. Are they doing anything? Let them stop.
0:12Setting something down is not the same as giving up. You can pick it up again after.
0:27Everything that happens in the next few minutes is allowed to happen.
0:40If some part of you is resisting this, that resistance is worth noticing too.
0:54Notice the breath you're taking right now. That's the only one that exists.
1:07Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
1:20Feel the tops of your thighs.
1:30Notice your hands again. Check whether they've loosened on their own.
1:42Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
1:53Now feel both feet at once. That's a lot of contact with the world.
2:07If you catch yourself fighting the raw first weeks of a breakup, that is worth noticing. The fight usually costs more than the feeling.
2:26When the bruise where a relationship used to be arrives, name it once, quietly, and go back to the breath. Naming is not fixing, and that is fine.
2:46Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
2:59Notice any tension that arrived while you weren't looking.
3:10With each exhale, let a little of the effort go. Not the problem — just the effort.
3:25A few quiet breaths. That's all this is.
3:36If your mind is quiet, don't grab at it. Quiet comes and goes too.
3:50We are not solving anything in the next few minutes. We are setting it down, temporarily.
4:05Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
4:17If a song is stuck in your head, let it play in the background.
4:31Ask yourself what you could stop holding for the next sixty seconds. That one is a good start.
4:47Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
4:59If you've lost track of where we were, you haven't lost anything important.
5:12You have been carrying this competently for a while. A few minutes off will not undo that.
5:27Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
5:39Notice anything you're holding onto from earlier today.
5:50Notice the first breath of the day versus this one. They're the same mechanism.
6:04Let it be this simple.
6:13Notice your shoulders, one at a time. The left one first.
6:25Let the exhale fall out rather than pushing it.
6:36Let your body keep settling.
6:45Feel your upper arms hanging. They're heavier than you remember.
6:57Let the breath be slow enough that you can hear it, just barely.
7:10Just the breath, still.
7:19Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
7:29Notice your breathing getting quieter on its own, without you deciding anything.
7:42Let the pause stretch out.
7:51Feel the parts of you that have gone quiet.
8:02If the missing of someone shows up, let it be there without arguing with it. You are not trying to remove it, just to sit beside it.
8:22Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
8:33You do not have to win against the raw first weeks of a breakup. You only have to breathe until the next moment arrives.
8:52Let the breath get soft, the way it goes when someone is reading beside you.
9:06Each time your mind hands you the bruise where a relationship used to be, treat it like a leaf on a stream. Present for a moment, then carried on.
9:27Think of the missing of someone as a guest that arrived without knocking. You can let it stand in the hallway.
9:44Follow three breaths and let the fourth one go unobserved.
9:56If you're sleepy, sit up a little. Or let the sleepiness be there.
10:09Notice any urge to check something. You can wait two more minutes.
10:22I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
10:35Pick one thing you are gripping — a plan, a worry, a grudge — and loosen a single finger.
10:51Stay with it.
10:59Roll your neck once, slowly, in whichever direction feels good.
11:11Take one last look at whatever your attention settled on.
11:23Take the next breath slowly.

Questions people ask

What does this session help with?

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges. The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Where and when should I do this one?

You can do this with your eyes open and your hands where they are. Waiting feeds the dread it is meant to relieve. Having something specific to do with the time is the useful part.

What actually happens during the 12 minutes?

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.