10-minute guided self-compassion practice for heartbreak — on a train

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 10 minutes of self-compassion for heartbreak, on a train. A guided session of about 10 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this on a train

• Pick a window seat if you can and let the view do part of the work
• Set an alarm for your stop
• Keep the bag on your lap rather than unfastening to find it later

The motion can make reading or screens uncomfortable, which is another reason audio works better here.

How self-compassion works

Self-compassion practice changes the tone of the inner voice rather than the content of the thoughts. It uses the same warmth and steadiness you would offer a friend, applied without requiring you to have earned it.

• Use the words you would actually say to someone you love
• Ask what you need, not what you deserve
• A hand on the chest or belly gives warmth and pressure a place to land

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Sit however you were already sitting. You don't have to straighten up first.
2. 0:13We'll keep it quiet and unhurried.
3. 0:23Let the last hour go on its own. You can pick it up again afterwards.
4. 0:37This is not a performance. Nobody is listening to how well you're doing it.
5. 0:51Notice your breathing getting quieter on its own, without you deciding anything.
6. 1:04Feel the pause at the top of the in-breath. It's shorter than you think.
7. 1:18Feel the parts of you that have gone quiet.
8. 1:29Feel your face. It's probably softer than it was five minutes ago.
9. 1:42Notice your heels making contact with the floor or the bed.
10. 1:54Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
11. 2:06If the bruise where a relationship used to be is loud right now, make your attention smaller. Just the next breath. Nothing beyond it.
12. 2:25You have been carrying the missing of someone for a while. You can set it down for the length of this session and pick it up after.
13. 2:45Notice any tension that arrived while you weren't looking.
14. 2:56You can be as unimpressive as you like for the next few minutes.
15. 3:09I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
16. 3:22If you're judging your performance, that's the same habit as judging everything else.
17. 3:35There's no need to try harder than this.
18. 3:46Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
19. 3:58If you're bored, stay with the boredom for a moment. It's usually thinner than it looks.
20. 4:13Nothing here needs to be efficient.
21. 4:23I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
22. 4:35If a song is stuck in your head, let it play in the background.
23. 4:49Feel your ankles. Let them be loose.
24. 4:59Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
25. 5:12Let the quiet do its work.
26. 5:22Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
27. 5:32Let your breathing be boring. Boring is good here.
28. 5:43No need to open your eyes yet.
29. 5:53Feel your knees. They're just hinges, but they've worked hard.
30. 6:05Feel the air move past your upper lip. It's the coolest spot on the way in.
31. 6:20Stay with it.
32. 6:28Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
33. 6:39Feel your breath move down your back, all the way to your lower ribs.
34. 6:53Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
35. 7:04There is no correct amount of the raw first weeks of a breakup to be feeling right now. Whatever is here is the honest amount.
36. 7:23Each time your mind hands you the bruise where a relationship used to be, treat it like a leaf on a stream. Present for a moment, then carried on.
37. 7:44Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
38. 7:57Nothing about the missing of someone has to be explained or justified in this room.
39. 8:11If your mind has wandered, that's not a mistake. Noticing is the practice.
40. 8:24Notice if your attention is in the future. Bring it back to the room.
41. 8:38Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
42. 8:48Let this be easy, if easy is available.
43. 8:59No rush to move on.
44. 9:08Take a moment to notice you did this for yourself. That's not nothing.
45. 9:21Let the quiet end on its own rather than cutting it off.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.