Breathing meditation for heartbreak (10 min), before an appointment

About this practice

When heartbreak shows up before an appointment, this 10-minute breathing session gives you somewhere to put it down. A guided session of about 10 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this in a waiting room

• You can do this with your eyes open and your hands where they are
• Nothing here needs to look like a meditation
• Aim for steadiness rather than calm

Waiting feeds the dread it is meant to relieve. Having something specific to do with the time is the useful part.

How breathing works

A breathing practice uses the breath as the object of attention and as the control lever. Because exhaling slows the heart through the vagus nerve, it acts on the nervous system directly rather than through thinking.

• Keep the exhale longer than the inhale — that is the active ingredient
• Count the exhales and start again whenever you lose count
• Do not force depth; let the breath find its own level

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Notice the temperature of the air on the backs of your hands.
2. 0:13Keep the exhale a little longer than the inhale. That is the entire technique.
3. 0:27Let your body be exactly as tired as it is.
4. 0:39We're going to let the body lead and the mind follow for a while.
5. 0:53Let the exhale fall out rather than pushing it.
6. 1:04Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
7. 1:17Let the whole of your right foot be heavy.
8. 1:28Feel your hips. Wide, heavy, and doing nothing.
9. 1:39Start at the top of your head. Notice the scalp, which you almost never notice.
10. 1:53Feel your belly. Let it be soft instead of held in.
11. 2:05Let the exhale carry a little of the missing of someone with it. Not all of it. Just a little, one breath at a time.
12. 2:24You do not have to like the raw first weeks of a breakup to breathe through it. Liking was never the requirement.
13. 2:42If you're thinking about the next thing on your list, that list will still be there.
14. 2:57If the breath feels tight, do not deepen it. Just watch it, and let it find its own depth.
15. 3:13I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
16. 3:25Notice how quickly your mind labels things: good, bad, boring, nice.
17. 3:37Let the counting do the work. When you lose the count, start again from one — no penalty.
18. 3:53Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
19. 4:05If you feel numb, that's a valid thing to feel. Nothing to fix.
20. 4:18There is no target number here. Only the next breath, and then the one after it.
21. 4:33Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
22. 4:44Notice if your breathing is faster than you expected. Don't correct it. Just note it.
23. 4:58A few seconds more.
24. 5:07Feel the back of your neck. That's a place that holds a lot.
25. 5:20Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
26. 5:33Just the breath, still.
27. 5:42Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
28. 5:54Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
29. 6:08Keep following the air.
30. 6:17Notice your whole body as one shape, sitting or lying here.
31. 6:29Feel the air move past your upper lip. It's the coolest spot on the way in.
32. 6:44I'll leave a gap here. Use it however you like.
33. 6:56If the bruise where a relationship used to be starts telling you a story, let the story finish without you adding to it.
34. 7:14If the missing of someone is loud right now, make your attention smaller. Just the next breath. Nothing beyond it.
35. 7:31Follow the breath down into your belly and feel it come back up.
36. 7:44Remind yourself, slowly: I am safe in this moment, even while the raw first weeks of a breakup is here. Safety and difficulty can share a room.
37. 8:04Notice any urge to check something. You can wait two more minutes.
38. 8:17If you're sleepy, sit up a little. Or let the sleepiness be there.
39. 8:30A few quiet breaths. That's all this is.
40. 8:41Follow the air from the nostrils down to the belly, then back out. One full trip at a time.
41. 8:57Let your body keep settling.
42. 9:06Roll your neck once, slowly, in whichever direction feels good.
43. 9:18Take a moment to notice you did this for yourself. That's not nothing.
44. 9:31Let the quiet do its work.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.