20-minute self-compassion meditation for self-criticism, between calls

About this practice

For the times between calls when self-criticism takes up more room than you would like — 20 minutes, self-compassion. A guided session of about 20 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: self-criticism

Self-criticism is a habit of speech, not an accurate report. The same inner voice repeats whether or not the evidence supports it.

It tends to show up as:

• A running commentary on your mistakes
• Harsh words you would never say aloud to someone else
• Reviewing old failures in detail

The practice is not to argue with the voice, but to speak to yourself in a tone that does not require an argument.

Doing this between meetings

• Start it in the gap, not after the next one begins
• Write down the open thread from the last meeting first, then let it go
• Two minutes done beats five minutes planned

The back-to-back day is exactly why the gap has to be protected rather than used for one more task.

How self-compassion works

Self-compassion practice changes the tone of the inner voice rather than the content of the thoughts. It uses the same warmth and steadiness you would offer a friend, applied without requiring you to have earned it.

• Use the words you would actually say to someone you love
• Ask what you need, not what you deserve
• A hand on the chest or belly gives warmth and pressure a place to land

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Start by hearing the furthest sound you can find.
2. 0:11Say it once, plainly: this is hard, and I am allowed to find it hard.
3. 0:25Nothing here is a test of concentration. Drifting off is part of it.
4. 0:38If it helps, imagine your attention is a torch beam. Right now it's wide and soft.
5. 0:53Feel the pause at the top of the in-breath. It's shorter than you think.
6. 1:07Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
7. 1:20Notice your jaw again. Let your back teeth part slightly.
8. 1:32Let the whole of your left foot be heavy.
9. 1:43Notice your ribs on both sides. Wide, not squeezed.
10. 1:54Notice your shoulders, one at a time. The left one first.
11. 2:06Start at the top of your head. Notice the scalp, which you almost never notice.
12. 2:20Remind yourself, slowly: I am safe in this moment, even while the record of your mistakes is here. Safety and difficulty can share a room.
13. 2:39If the harsh voice inside has been with you all day, it is probably tired too. Let it rest alongside you.
14. 2:56Notice the small pause before your body decides to breathe in again.
15. 3:09the criticism you would never aim at a friend may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
16. 3:28Let the exhale carry a little of the record of your mistakes with it. Not all of it. Just a little, one breath at a time.
17. 3:47Feel the last part of the exhale, where it turns into nothing.
18. 4:00If you're counting the minutes, that's fine. Count them and come back.
19. 4:13Whatever you are about to say to yourself, imagine saying it to someone you love. Use those words.
20. 4:29Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
21. 4:41Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
22. 4:53The question is not what you deserve. It is what you need, right now, in this moment.
23. 5:08Quiet now. The next part will wait for you.
24. 5:19Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
25. 5:31Notice the tone you are using on yourself. If it would wound a friend, it is not the truth.
26. 5:47A few seconds of nothing now. That's on purpose.
27. 5:58Notice any tension that arrived while you weren't looking.
28. 6:09Put a hand where the feeling is strongest. Warmth and pressure are the oldest kind of reassurance.
29. 6:24A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
30. 6:35Notice if your attention is in the future. Bring it back to the room.
31. 6:49Keep following the air.
32. 6:58Follow the breath down into your belly and feel it come back up.
33. 7:11Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
34. 7:21Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
35. 7:32If you feel numb, that's a valid thing to feel. Nothing to fix.
36. 7:45Let the quiet do its work.
37. 7:55Let the in-breath be short and the out-breath unhurried.
38. 8:06Feel your ankles. Let them be loose.
39. 8:16A short silence. Let it be empty.
40. 8:26Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
41. 8:37Let the pause stretch out.
42. 8:46Follow one full breath from the moment it starts to the moment it ends.
43. 9:00Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
44. 9:12I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
45. 9:25Your mind will leave about a hundred times. Come back about a hundred times.
46. 9:39Count down from ten, one number per exhale.
47. 9:50Just the breath, still.
48. 9:59Notice the exact moment your attention left. You probably won't catch it. That's normal.
49. 10:13Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
50. 10:25Feel the back of your neck. That's a place that holds a lot.
51. 10:38Breathe as if you had all evening. There's no rush in this part.
52. 10:51Let your body keep settling.
53. 11:00If your mind is quiet, don't grab at it. Quiet comes and goes too.
54. 11:14I'll step back. You stay here.
55. 11:24Notice your toes, starting with the big one on the left.
56. 11:36Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
57. 11:48Remain here for a few more breaths.
58. 11:58If you feel emotional, you don't have to explain it to anyone, including yourself.
59. 12:12Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
60. 12:23Notice your ears, which mostly just receive things.
61. 12:34Let the exhale empty you a little more than usual, but not to the point of strain.
62. 12:49A few seconds more.
63. 12:58Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
64. 13:10Follow three breaths and let the fourth one go unobserved.
65. 13:22Stay here a little longer.
66. 13:31Feel your forearms, from the elbow down to the wrist.
67. 13:43Let your breathing find the rhythm it uses when you're almost asleep.
68. 13:56No need to open your eyes yet.
69. 14:06Notice your lower back. Let it curve however it curves.
70. 14:18Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
71. 14:31Stay with it.
72. 14:39Notice your shins, which take small knocks all day and never complain.
73. 14:52Picture the harsh voice inside as a weather front passing over. You are not the weather. You are the sky it moves through.
74. 15:10Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
75. 15:22Imagine the criticism you would never aim at a friend as a room you can walk out of for a minute. The room will still be there.
76. 15:42If you're holding your breath at the top, stop. There's no need to hold anything.
77. 15:56Nothing about the record of your mistakes has to be explained or justified in this room.
78. 16:11If the harsh voice inside starts telling you a story, let the story finish without you adding to it.
79. 16:27Notice that you don't have to start a breath. It arrives by itself.
80. 16:40Think of the criticism you would never aim at a friend as a guest that arrived without knocking. You can let it stand in the hallway.
81. 16:59Give the record of your mistakes a shape, a colour, a temperature. Turning it into something specific makes it easier to hold.
82. 17:17Notice the difference between the breath at the front of your nose and the breath in your chest.
83. 17:33Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
84. 17:46Notice whether you're breathing or holding. Start breathing again.
85. 17:57Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
86. 18:10No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
87. 18:21You are allowed to have a hard time without earning it first.
88. 18:34No rush to move on.
89. 18:43Let the last minute of quiet be the last minute of quiet.
90. 18:56Let your shoulders come back up to their usual place, if they want to.
91. 19:10Let this one be unhurried.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.