Letting go meditation for heartbreak (10 min), between calls

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 10 minutes of letting go for heartbreak, between calls. A guided session of about 10 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this between meetings

• Start it in the gap, not after the next one begins
• Write down the open thread from the last meeting first, then let it go
• Two minutes done beats five minutes planned

The back-to-back day is exactly why the gap has to be protected rather than used for one more task.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

• Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
• Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
• Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Sit however you were already sitting. You don't have to straighten up first.
2. 0:13There's no need to try harder than this.
3. 0:24Let your attention drop to the level of your shoulders and stay there a moment.
4. 0:38If your mind is loud, that's information, not failure.
5. 0:49Let your breathing get quieter rather than deeper.
6. 1:00Let the in-breath be short and the out-breath unhurried.
7. 1:11Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
8. 1:23Feel your forearms, from the elbow down to the wrist.
9. 1:35Notice the small movement in your belly when you breathe.
10. 1:47Feel the back of your neck. That's a place that holds a lot.
11. 2:00Remind yourself, slowly: I am safe in this moment, even while the missing of someone is here. Safety and difficulty can share a room.
12. 2:19You do not have to win against the raw first weeks of a breakup. You only have to breathe until the next moment arrives.
13. 2:38If you're distracted by a sound, let the sound be the object for a moment.
14. 2:52If you only manage half of it, that's half more than nothing.
15. 3:05Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
16. 3:17If a song is stuck in your head, let it play in the background.
17. 3:31Small efforts are the whole method.
18. 3:41A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
19. 3:52If your mind has wandered, that's not a mistake. Noticing is the practice.
20. 4:05We'll take this slowly, and there's no version of this where you get it wrong.
21. 4:19Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
22. 4:31Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
23. 4:44Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
24. 4:58Let this one be unhurried.
25. 5:07Move to your forehead. Let it be smooth instead of gathered.
26. 5:19Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
27. 5:33Let the pause stretch out.
28. 5:42Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
29. 5:54Let your breathing find the rhythm it uses when you're almost asleep.
30. 6:07Remain here for a few more breaths.
31. 6:17Let the whole of your left foot be heavy.
32. 6:28Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
33. 6:40I'll leave a gap here. Use it however you like.
34. 6:52When the bruise where a relationship used to be arrives, name it once, quietly, and go back to the breath. Naming is not fixing, and that is fine.
35. 7:12Notice the space around the missing of someone. It is there, even if it is small. Put your attention in that space.
36. 7:30Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
37. 7:43the raw first weeks of a breakup may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
38. 8:02Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
39. 8:14Your mind will leave about a hundred times. Come back about a hundred times.
40. 8:28I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
41. 8:40Nothing here needs to be efficient.
42. 8:50No rush to move on.
43. 8:59If you're going straight back to work, take ten seconds at the doorway first.
44. 9:13Notice whether you feel any different. If not, that's also normal.
45. 9:25Keep following the air.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.