Softening for heartbreak: 20 minutes, when you are at your limit

About this practice

When heartbreak shows up when you are at your limit, this 20-minute softening session gives you somewhere to put it down. A guided session of about 20 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this when you are overwhelmed

• Do not decide priorities during it
• Pick the shortest session available here
• When you finish, write down the first physical action on paper

The pile looks less like a pile once the alarm stops ringing. Sort it after, not during.

How softening works

Softening is the practice of releasing held tension degree by degree rather than all at once. It targets the physical grip — shoulders, jaw, gut — that persists long after the stressor has passed.

• Soften one place per exhale rather than everything at once
• Let warmth and gravity do the work instead of muscular effort
• If a place will not soften, leave it and go somewhere that will

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Find one place in your body that already feels fine. Use that as the starting point.
2. 0:15Nothing here needs to be efficient.
3. 0:25We'll be quiet for a bit longer than usual. Stay with whatever shows up.
4. 0:39We'll work through this slowly. If you lose the thread, the thread will wait.
5. 0:53Feel the slight stretch at the very bottom of the exhale.
6. 1:05Follow the breath down into your belly and feel it come back up.
7. 1:18Feel the soles of your feet. All the weight of you goes through them.
8. 1:32Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
9. 1:44Feel your face. It's probably softer than it was five minutes ago.
10. 1:57Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
11. 2:09Notice your shoulders, one at a time. The left one first.
12. 2:21If the bruise where a relationship used to be has been with you all day, it is probably tired too. Let it rest alongside you.
13. 2:40Notice how the missing of someone changes shape when you stop resisting it. Usually it gets smaller, not bigger.
14. 2:56Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
15. 3:09Think of the raw first weeks of a breakup as a guest that arrived without knocking. You can let it stand in the hallway.
16. 3:28Let the bruise where a relationship used to be be exactly as big as it is, and let your breath be exactly as slow as it is. They can coexist.
17. 3:49Breathe as if you had all evening. There's no rush in this part.
18. 4:02Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
19. 4:13There's no need to try harder than this.
20. 4:24Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
21. 4:35Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
22. 4:48You can be as unimpressive as you like for the next few minutes.
23. 5:01A few quiet breaths. That's all this is.
24. 5:12Notice if your attention is in the future. Bring it back to the room.
25. 5:26Small efforts are the whole method.
26. 5:36Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
27. 5:48If you're thinking about the next thing on your list, that list will still be there.
28. 6:03We'll take this slowly, and there's no version of this where you get it wrong.
29. 6:17Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
30. 6:29Notice any tension that arrived while you weren't looking.
31. 6:40Let this be easy, if easy is available.
32. 6:51A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
33. 7:02If you've lost track of where we were, you haven't lost anything important.
34. 7:15If you only manage half of it, that's half more than nothing.
35. 7:28Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
36. 7:39If you feel emotional, you don't have to explain it to anyone, including yourself.
37. 7:53Let this one be unhurried.
38. 8:02Follow three breaths and let the fourth one go unobserved.
39. 8:14Feel your tongue sitting in the bottom of your mouth.
40. 8:26No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
41. 8:37Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
42. 8:49Just the breath, still.
43. 8:58Notice the first breath of the day versus this one. They're the same mechanism.
44. 9:12Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
45. 9:23Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
46. 9:35No need to open your eyes yet.
47. 9:45Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
48. 9:57I'll step back. You stay here.
49. 10:07Feel your heart somewhere in there, doing its work without instructions.
50. 10:19Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
51. 10:31Stay here a little longer.
52. 10:40If nothing much is happening, that's not a problem. Nothing much is often the point.
53. 10:54Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
54. 11:05Notice the small movement in your belly when you breathe.
55. 11:17If you're holding your breath at the top, stop. There's no need to hold anything.
56. 11:31Take the next breath slowly.
57. 11:40Notice your pelvis resting on the surface below you.
58. 11:51Notice that you don't have to start a breath. It arrives by itself.
59. 12:04Let it be this simple.
60. 12:13Notice your heels making contact with the floor or the bed.
61. 12:25Notice if your breathing is faster than you expected. Don't correct it. Just note it.
62. 12:39Keep following the air.
63. 12:48Let the whole of your right foot be heavy.
64. 12:59Feel your breath move down your back, all the way to your lower ribs.
65. 13:13Remain here for a few more breaths.
66. 13:23Move to your forehead. Let it be smooth instead of gathered.
67. 13:35Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
68. 13:49Let the pause stretch out.
69. 13:58Now the right shoulder. Let it be a centimetre lower than it was.
70. 14:11Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
71. 14:24Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
72. 14:34Now feel both feet at once. That's a lot of contact with the world.
73. 14:48Notice where the missing of someone lives in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Rest your attention there without trying to change it.
74. 15:06I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
75. 15:18You do not have to win against the raw first weeks of a breakup. You only have to breathe until the next moment arrives.
76. 15:37Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
77. 15:50Picture the bruise where a relationship used to be as a weather front passing over. You are not the weather. You are the sky it moves through.
78. 16:10Let the exhale carry a little of the missing of someone with it. Not all of it. Just a little, one breath at a time.
79. 16:29Feel the last part of the exhale, where it turns into nothing.
80. 16:42There is no correct amount of the raw first weeks of a breakup to be feeling right now. Whatever is here is the honest amount.
81. 17:01Remind yourself, slowly: I am safe in this moment, even while the bruise where a relationship used to be is here. Safety and difficulty can share a room.
82. 17:21Notice the small pause before your body decides to breathe in again.
83. 17:34If you're judging your performance, that's the same habit as judging everything else.
84. 17:47Notice anything you're holding onto from earlier today.
85. 17:58Notice whether you're breathing or holding. Start breathing again.
86. 18:09A few seconds of nothing now. That's on purpose.
87. 18:20We'll keep it quiet and unhurried.
88. 18:30No rush to move on.
89. 18:39Take one last look at whatever your attention settled on.
90. 18:51If you're going straight back to work, take ten seconds at the doorway first.
91. 19:05Nothing changes for a moment.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.