Self-compassion for anger: 15 minutes, before sleep

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 15 minutes of self-compassion for anger, before sleep. A guided session of about 15 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: anger

Anger is a fast, full-body response. Blood moves to the hands and jaw, heart rate climbs sharply, and reasoning comes back online several minutes later.

It tends to show up as:

• Heat in the chest and face
• The urge to speak before thinking
• A clenched jaw or fists

The physical peak passes in about ninety seconds if it is not fed. Slow breathing uses those seconds rather than spending them.

Doing this before sleep

• Dim the lights and put the phone out of reach
• Do it in bed if that helps you stay there
• Let yourself fall asleep rather than finishing it

Checking anything afterwards undoes most of it. Let this be the last thing.

How self-compassion works

Self-compassion practice changes the tone of the inner voice rather than the content of the thoughts. It uses the same warmth and steadiness you would offer a friend, applied without requiring you to have earned it.

• Use the words you would actually say to someone you love
• Ask what you need, not what you deserve
• A hand on the chest or belly gives warmth and pressure a place to land

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Rest your hands somewhere they don't have to do anything.
2. 0:12Small efforts are the whole method.
3. 0:22Nothing here is a test of concentration. Drifting off is part of it.
4. 0:35You can think about other things. When you notice, come back. That's the whole practice.
5. 0:49Notice the first breath of the day versus this one. They're the same mechanism.
6. 1:03Notice your breathing getting quieter on its own, without you deciding anything.
7. 1:16Notice your jaw again. Let your back teeth part slightly.
8. 1:28Feel your hips. Wide, heavy, and doing nothing.
9. 1:39Feel the skin around your eyes. Let the muscles behind them go loose.
10. 1:52Feel your palms. Warm or cool, either is fine.
11. 2:03Now the right shoulder. Let it be a centimetre lower than it was.
12. 2:16If the heat rising in your chest is loud right now, make your attention smaller. Just the next breath. Nothing beyond it.
13. 2:34You do not have to like the urge to snap to breathe through it. Liking was never the requirement.
14. 2:50Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
15. 3:03If you catch yourself fighting the white-hot moment before you speak, that is worth noticing. The fight usually costs more than the feeling.
16. 3:21You do not have to solve the heat rising in your chest in these few minutes. Your only job is to keep breathing while it is here.
17. 3:41Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
18. 3:53Let your body keep settling.
19. 4:02Feel the last part of the exhale, where it turns into nothing.
20. 4:15Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
21. 4:26Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
22. 4:36Let the exhale fall out rather than pushing it.
23. 4:47Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
24. 4:59Let this one be unhurried.
25. 5:08Feel the air move past your upper lip. It's the coolest spot on the way in.
26. 5:23Feel your calves, front and back.
27. 5:33Just the breath, still.
28. 5:42Notice that you don't have to start a breath. It arrives by itself.
29. 5:55Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
30. 6:07Nothing changes for a moment.
31. 6:16Follow three breaths and let the fourth one go unobserved.
32. 6:28Feel the soles of your feet. All the weight of you goes through them.
33. 6:42Let it be this simple.
34. 6:51Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
35. 7:04Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
36. 7:16No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
37. 7:27If you only manage half of it, that's half more than nothing.
38. 7:40Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
39. 7:51Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
40. 8:02Nothing here needs to be efficient.
41. 8:12Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
42. 8:25Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
43. 8:35There's no need to try harder than this.
44. 8:46Your mind will leave about a hundred times. Come back about a hundred times.
45. 9:00I'll step back. You stay here.
46. 9:10Let this be easy, if easy is available.
47. 9:21You might be planning something. Notice the planning, then come back.
48. 9:33Quiet now. The next part will wait for you.
49. 9:44We'll take this slowly, and there's no version of this where you get it wrong.
50. 9:58Notice how you're sitting. Adjust if you need to. Then settle again.
51. 10:11Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
52. 10:23You can be as unimpressive as you like for the next few minutes.
53. 10:36Notice the difference between a thought and the space around it.
54. 10:48Let your breathing be boring. Boring is good here.
55. 10:59Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
56. 11:10Notice how the urge to snap changes shape when you stop resisting it. Usually it gets smaller, not bigger.
57. 11:26Think of the white-hot moment before you speak as a guest that arrived without knocking. You can let it stand in the hallway.
58. 11:44Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
59. 11:58the heat rising in your chest may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
60. 12:16Let the urge to snap be exactly as big as it is, and let your breath be exactly as slow as it is. They can coexist.
61. 12:35Feel the pause at the top of the in-breath. It's shorter than you think.
62. 12:49Notice if you're waiting for something to happen. Nothing is scheduled.
63. 13:01Notice the exact moment your attention left. You probably won't catch it. That's normal.
64. 13:15Notice how quickly your mind labels things: good, bad, boring, nice.
65. 13:27Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
66. 13:39We'll keep it quiet and unhurried.
67. 13:49No rush to move on.
68. 13:58Stand up when you're ready. The list hasn't grown while you were here.
69. 14:11Let the next breath be the start of the rest of the day.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.