Letting go meditation for perfectionism (10 min), before a difficult talk

About this practice

10 minutes to meet perfectionism with less of a fight. A letting go practice, before a difficult talk. A guided session of about 10 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: perfectionism

Perfectionism treats a mistake as evidence rather than an incident. The bar rises precisely where self-worth is attached, which is why it never becomes achievable.

It tends to show up as:

• Endless polishing before sharing
• Fear of a wrong step
• Delaying work until conditions are ideal

A practice with no grade attached is a useful counterweight. There is no wrong way to do the next few minutes.

Doing this before a hard conversation

• Do it before, not during, and again after if it went badly
• Decide your one non-negotiable sentence beforehand
• Plan to let the other person speak first

Being settled makes it easier to listen rather than to defend. That is usually what the conversation needs.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

• Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
• Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
• Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Let your tongue rest down, away from the roof of your mouth.
2. 0:13With each exhale, let a little of the effort go. Not the problem — just the effort.
3. 0:28Let your body feel heavier than it did a minute ago. Let the chair or the floor take it.
4. 0:44Let the breath get a little quieter, as if you were trying not to wake someone sleeping nearby.
5. 1:00Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
6. 1:14Feel the slight stretch at the very bottom of the exhale.
7. 1:26Feel your belly. Let it be soft instead of held in.
8. 1:38Feel your ankles. Let them be loose.
9. 1:48Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
10. 2:00Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
11. 2:10Imagine the bar that is always too high as a room you can walk out of for a minute. The room will still be there.
12. 2:29Feel the weight of the fear of a wrong step somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
13. 2:46If you're bored, stay with the boredom for a moment. It's usually thinner than it looks.
14. 3:01Ask yourself what you could stop holding for the next sixty seconds. That one is a good start.
15. 3:17I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
16. 3:29Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
17. 3:40You have been carrying this competently for a while. A few minutes off will not undo that.
18. 3:55Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
19. 4:06Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
20. 4:18Pick one thing you are gripping — a plan, a worry, a grudge — and loosen a single finger.
21. 4:34A few seconds of nothing now. That's on purpose.
22. 4:45Let the exhale fall out rather than pushing it.
23. 4:56A few seconds more.
24. 5:05Feel the middle of your back, the part that never gets attention.
25. 5:18Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose, if that's comfortable.
26. 5:31Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
27. 5:41Now the right shoulder. Let it be a centimetre lower than it was.
28. 5:54Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
29. 6:07Stay with it.
30. 6:15Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
31. 6:27Breathe as if you had all evening. There's no rush in this part.
32. 6:40A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
33. 6:51the demand that everything be exactly right may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
34. 7:10You are allowed to be unimpressed by the bar that is always too high. Indifference is a legitimate response.
35. 7:26Notice the difference between the breath at the front of your nose and the breath in your chest.
36. 7:42Notice where the fear of a wrong step lives in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Rest your attention there without trying to change it.
37. 8:01Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
38. 8:14Notice the difference between a thought and the space around it.
39. 8:26A few quiet breaths. That's all this is.
40. 8:37We are not solving anything in the next few minutes. We are setting it down, temporarily.
41. 8:52Take the next breath slowly.
42. 9:01Take one more breath at your own pace, then let your attention come back to the room.
43. 9:16Let the pace of the last few minutes set the pace of the next few.
44. 9:30No need to open your eyes yet.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.