Meditation for the inner critic: 20-minute letting go session, after an argument

About this practice

20 minutes to meet the inner critic with less of a fight. A letting go practice, after an argument. A guided session of about 20 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: the inner critic

The inner critic often formed as a protective strategy, keeping you small to keep you safe. It is loudest where you feel most exposed.

It tends to show up as:

• A judge commenting on everything
• Anticipating criticism before it comes
• Difficulty accepting praise

You can notice the voice without obeying it. Distance between the voice and the response is the whole gain.

Doing this after an argument

• Do it before you re-engage or send anything
• Let the physical arousal drop first — it takes minutes, not hours
• Write down nothing you intend to send during it

Whatever you would write in the first ten minutes is rarely what you would say after thirty.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

• Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
• Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
• Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Drop your attention from your head into your chest for a second.
2. 0:13We are not solving anything in the next few minutes. We are setting it down, temporarily.
3. 0:28Everything that happens in the next few minutes is allowed to happen.
4. 0:41For the next few minutes, the only job is to notice what's already happening.
5. 0:55Follow one full breath from the moment it starts to the moment it ends.
6. 1:09Let the exhale empty you a little more than usual, but not to the point of strain.
7. 1:24Notice your lower back. Let it curve however it curves.
8. 1:36Feel your palms. Warm or cool, either is fine.
9. 1:47Notice your elbows. Odd things to have, but there they are.
10. 1:59Feel the parts of you that have gone quiet.
11. 2:10Notice your shoulders, one at a time. The left one first.
12. 2:22You do not have to like the running commentary on your flaws to breathe through it. Liking was never the requirement.
13. 2:39Notice where the voice that grades everything lives in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Rest your attention there without trying to change it.
14. 2:57Notice where you feel the breath most clearly. Nose, chest, or belly — pick one and stay there.
15. 3:13Each time your mind hands you the judge in your head, treat it like a leaf on a stream. Present for a moment, then carried on.
16. 3:32Notice the space around the running commentary on your flaws. It is there, even if it is small. Put your attention in that space.
17. 3:51Feel the slight stretch at the very bottom of the exhale.
18. 4:03If you're thinking about the next thing on your list, that list will still be there.
19. 4:18Setting something down is not the same as giving up. You can pick it up again after.
20. 4:33I'll step back. You stay here.
21. 4:43Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
22. 4:56Ask yourself what you could stop holding for the next sixty seconds. That one is a good start.
23. 5:12A short silence. Let it be empty.
24. 5:22If your body wants to move, let it move, then come back.
25. 5:35You have been carrying this competently for a while. A few minutes off will not undo that.
26. 5:50Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
27. 6:02If you've lost track of where we were, you haven't lost anything important.
28. 6:15With each exhale, let a little of the effort go. Not the problem — just the effort.
29. 6:30A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
30. 6:41If a song is stuck in your head, let it play in the background.
31. 6:55Stay with it.
32. 7:03Notice your breathing getting quieter on its own, without you deciding anything.
33. 7:16Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
34. 7:27Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
35. 7:39Your mind will leave about a hundred times. Come back about a hundred times.
36. 7:53No rush to move on.
37. 8:02Let the exhale fall out rather than pushing it.
38. 8:13Let the whole of your right foot be heavy.
39. 8:24No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
40. 8:35Notice any urge to check something. You can wait two more minutes.
41. 8:48Nothing changes for a moment.
42. 8:57Let your belly rise first, then your chest, then the tops of your lungs.
43. 9:11Notice your jaw again. Let your back teeth part slightly.
44. 9:23Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
45. 9:35Notice the small pause before your body decides to breathe in again.
46. 9:48Keep following the air.
47. 9:57If you feel emotional, you don't have to explain it to anyone, including yourself.
48. 10:11I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
49. 10:24Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
50. 10:36Notice the breath you're taking right now. That's the only one that exists.
51. 10:49Let your body keep settling.
52. 10:58Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
53. 11:10I'll leave a gap here. Use it however you like.
54. 11:22Now feel both feet at once. That's a lot of contact with the world.
55. 11:36Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose, if that's comfortable.
56. 11:49Just the breath, still.
57. 11:58If you're irritated, that's allowed. Irritation is just weather.
58. 12:09Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
59. 12:20Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
60. 12:30Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
61. 12:43Remain here for a few more breaths.
62. 12:53Let your throat soften. There's nothing to swallow right now.
63. 13:05Feel the last part of the exhale, where it turns into nothing.
64. 13:18Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
65. 13:28Feel your face. It's probably softer than it was five minutes ago.
66. 13:41Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
67. 13:55Let the pause stretch out.
68. 14:04Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
69. 14:16Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
70. 14:29Let it be this simple.
71. 14:38Notice the backs of your knees, which you feel more than you think.
72. 14:51Imagine the voice that grades everything as a room you can walk out of for a minute. The room will still be there.
73. 15:09Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
74. 15:20When the judge in your head arrives, name it once, quietly, and go back to the breath. Naming is not fixing, and that is fine.
75. 15:39Let the breath get soft, the way it goes when someone is reading beside you.
76. 15:53If the running commentary on your flaws has been with you all day, it is probably tired too. Let it rest alongside you.
77. 16:11Nothing about the voice that grades everything has to be explained or justified in this room.
78. 16:26Follow the breath down into your belly and feel it come back up.
79. 16:39Let the judge in your head be exactly as big as it is, and let your breath be exactly as slow as it is. They can coexist.
80. 16:59If you catch yourself fighting the running commentary on your flaws, that is worth noticing. The fight usually costs more than the feeling.
81. 17:17Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
82. 17:31Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
83. 17:44If a worry shows up, name it quietly and let it sit beside you.
84. 17:58If you feel restless, that's a feeling, not a failure.
85. 18:10Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
86. 18:22Pick one thing you are gripping — a plan, a worry, a grudge — and loosen a single finger.
87. 18:38Let this one be unhurried.
88. 18:47Notice your feet on the floor. That's where you start from.
89. 18:59Notice the room again: the sounds, the temperature, the light.
90. 19:11A few seconds more.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.