Breathing for heartbreak: 12 minutes, when you are at your limit

About this practice

For the times when you are at your limit when heartbreak takes up more room than you would like — 12 minutes, breathing. A guided session of about 12 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this when you are overwhelmed

• Do not decide priorities during it
• Pick the shortest session available here
• When you finish, write down the first physical action on paper

The pile looks less like a pile once the alarm stops ringing. Sort it after, not during.

How breathing works

A breathing practice uses the breath as the object of attention and as the control lever. Because exhaling slows the heart through the vagus nerve, it acts on the nervous system directly rather than through thinking.

• Keep the exhale longer than the inhale — that is the active ingredient
• Count the exhales and start again whenever you lose count
• Do not force depth; let the breath find its own level

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Start with the noise that is already in the room. We are not going to try to remove it yet.
2. 0:17Let the counting do the work. When you lose the count, start again from one — no penalty.
3. 0:33Everything that happens in the next few minutes is allowed to happen.
4. 0:46Feel the small movements your body makes to keep you upright. They're happening without you.
5. 1:00Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
6. 1:14Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
7. 1:28Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
8. 1:40Notice your elbows. Odd things to have, but there they are.
9. 1:52Notice the backs of your knees, which you feel more than you think.
10. 2:05Notice your breathing, without changing it.
11. 2:15Say to yourself: this is uncomfortable, and I can stay with it for one more breath. Then take that breath.
12. 2:32Feel the weight of the raw first weeks of a breakup somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
13. 2:50Let your belly rise first, then your chest, then the tops of your lungs.
14. 3:04Notice anything you're holding onto from earlier today.
15. 3:15Follow the air from the nostrils down to the belly, then back out. One full trip at a time.
16. 3:31I'll step back. You stay here.
17. 3:41If you're replaying a conversation, let it play. It'll finish on its own.
18. 3:54There is no target number here. Only the next breath, and then the one after it.
19. 4:09No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
20. 4:20Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
21. 4:32If the breath feels tight, do not deepen it. Just watch it, and let it find its own depth.
22. 4:48Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
23. 5:00If you're distracted by a sound, let the sound be the object for a moment.
24. 5:14Keep the exhale a little longer than the inhale. That is the entire technique.
25. 5:28A few quiet breaths. That's all this is.
26. 5:39If nothing much is happening, that's not a problem. Nothing much is often the point.
27. 5:53Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
28. 6:05Let the quiet do its work.
29. 6:15Feel your ankles. Let them be loose.
30. 6:25Let the exhale empty you a little more than usual, but not to the point of strain.
31. 6:40Let your body keep settling.
32. 6:49Feel the soles of your feet. All the weight of you goes through them.
33. 7:03Let your shoulders stay still while your ribs move.
34. 7:14Let the pause stretch out.
35. 7:23Feel the skin around your eyes. Let the muscles behind them go loose.
36. 7:36Breathe as if you had all evening. There's no rush in this part.
37. 7:49Remain here for a few more breaths.
38. 7:59Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
39. 8:11the bruise where a relationship used to be may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
40. 8:30I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
41. 8:42You have been carrying the missing of someone for a while. You can set it down for the length of this session and pick it up after.
42. 9:02Notice the breath you're taking right now. That's the only one that exists.
43. 9:15If the raw first weeks of a breakup has been with you all day, it is probably tired too. Let it rest alongside you.
44. 9:34Notice where the bruise where a relationship used to be lives in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Rest your attention there without trying to change it.
45. 9:53Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose, if that's comfortable.
46. 10:06Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
47. 10:18Notice the difference between a thought and the space around it.
48. 10:30A few seconds of nothing now. That's on purpose.
49. 10:41Your anchor for the next few minutes is the breath itself. Nothing else needs following.
50. 10:55Just the breath, still.
51. 11:04Roll your neck once, slowly, in whichever direction feels good.
52. 11:16Stand up when you're ready. The list hasn't grown while you were here.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.