Letting go for heartbreak: 5 minutes, in the late afternoon

About this practice

For the times in the late afternoon when heartbreak takes up more room than you would like — 5 minutes, letting go. A guided session of about 5 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

Physical ache in the chest or throat
Checking for messages you do not want
Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this after a long day

Something physical first — shoes off, hands washed, water drunk
Do not review the day during it
Keep it short rather than thorough

Replaying the day in the practice just carries the day further into the evening.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

0:00Notice the temperature of the air on the backs of your hands.
0:13Pick one thing you are gripping — a plan, a worry, a grudge — and loosen a single finger.
0:29Let the breath get a little quieter, as if you were trying not to wake someone sleeping nearby.
0:45Let your attention settle on the space between your nose and your upper lip, where the air passes.
1:01Let the breath get soft, the way it goes when someone is reading beside you.
1:15Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
1:27Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
1:39Feel your hips. Wide, heavy, and doing nothing.
1:50Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
2:02We are not solving anything in the next few minutes. We are setting it down, temporarily.
2:17If you're distracted by a sound, let the sound be the object for a moment.
2:31Imagine the bruise where a relationship used to be as a room you can walk out of for a minute. The room will still be there.
2:50You do not have to solve the missing of someone in these few minutes. Your only job is to keep breathing while it is here.
3:09Let your breathing find the rhythm it uses when you're almost asleep.
3:22If the raw first weeks of a breakup shows up, let it be there without arguing with it. You are not trying to remove it, just to sit beside it.
3:43Notice the difference between a thought and the space around it.
3:55Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
4:05Ask yourself what you could stop holding for the next sixty seconds. That one is a good start.
4:21Take one more breath at your own pace, then let your attention come back to the room.
4:36Let this one be unhurried.

Questions people ask

What does this session help with?

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges. The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Where and when should I do this one?

Something physical first — shoes off, hands washed, water drunk. Replaying the day in the practice just carries the day further into the evening.

What actually happens during the 5 minutes?

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.