Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go — where to start, after a difficult conversation
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
The order matters less than doing the first one tonight. Start there and come back to the rest.
Difficult conversations leave a residue. This is for the residue.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
What to do when it does not work
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
Questions people ask
Is this just positive thinking?
No. It is not about replacing the thought with a nicer one. It is about noticing that the thought is one opinion among several.
What if the criticism is accurate?
Then it is feedback, and feedback is useful once. Repeating it forty times is not more accurate, it is just more painful.
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