Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go — a calm, practical approach, before something difficult
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
None of this is glamorous. All of it is doable, which matters more.
It works best in the hour before something difficult.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
What to do when it does not work
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
Questions people ask
What if the criticism is accurate?
Then it is feedback, and feedback is useful once. Repeating it forty times is not more accurate, it is just more painful.
Written for people who want the practical version. No accounts, no tracking, no newsletter wall.
If this is not the angle you need, try How to stop scrolling in bed — what nobody tells you, if you are sceptical about all of this, Waking up anxious for no obvious reason — a gentle, practical guide, when you are somewhere noisy or When the inner voice will not let something go — the version that fits a real week, when the house is busy.