Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go, step by step, after a long day
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
A short explanation first, because knowing why makes the doing easier.
Use it at the end of a long day, not at the start of one.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
What to do when it does not work
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Questions people ask
Is this just positive thinking?
No. It is not about replacing the thought with a nicer one. It is about noticing that the thought is one opinion among several.
Written for people who want the practical version. No accounts, no tracking, no newsletter wall.
If this is not the angle you need, try Using your body to come down after something stressful — the basics, done properly, when you have woken up too early, How to get through the first hour without your phone — the basics, done properly, if you are doing this instead of scrolling or Do you actually need eight glasses of water — the two-minute version, when you are not in the mood.