Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go — a short, honest guide, when you are doing this for the first time
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
Most of the usual advice misses the point. What follows is the version that survives contact with a real week.
If this is your first go, stay with the plainest version of the instructions.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
What to do when it does not work
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Questions people ask
What if the criticism is accurate?
Then it is feedback, and feedback is useful once. Repeating it forty times is not more accurate, it is just more painful.
Is this just positive thinking?
No. It is not about replacing the thought with a nicer one. It is about noticing that the thought is one opinion among several.
Written for people who want the practical version. No accounts, no tracking, no newsletter wall.
If this is not the angle you need, try The five minutes after a difficult meeting, for people who have tried everything, on a low-energy afternoon, Waking up anxious for no obvious reason, for people who have tried everything, after eating too much or Do you actually need eight glasses of water — the short version, when you are waiting for something.