Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go — the two-minute version, if you have done this a hundred times
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
Six things, in the order that makes the most difference. The first two do most of the work.
If you have done this a hundred times, change one small thing tonight.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
What to do when it does not work
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
Questions people ask
What if the criticism is accurate?
Then it is feedback, and feedback is useful once. Repeating it forty times is not more accurate, it is just more painful.
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