Softening for loneliness: 12 minutes, in the office

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 12 minutes of softening for loneliness, in the office. A guided session of about 12 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: loneliness

Loneliness registers in the body much like physical pain. It raises vigilance and lowers the threshold for reading neutral things as rejection.

It tends to show up as:

• The quiet of the house feeling loud
• Feeling unseen even in company
• Assuming you are an inconvenience

A guided voice in the room does not replace company, but it does reduce the sense of being entirely on your own with it.

Doing this at your desk

• Feet flat, back supported, screen away from your eyeline
• You can do this with your eyes open if the office makes closing them awkward
• Unclench the jaw and drop the shoulders first, before anything else

Nobody needs to know you are doing it. Keep it invisible if that makes it possible.

How softening works

Softening is the practice of releasing held tension degree by degree rather than all at once. It targets the physical grip — shoulders, jaw, gut — that persists long after the stressor has passed.

• Soften one place per exhale rather than everything at once
• Let warmth and gravity do the work instead of muscular effort
• If a place will not soften, leave it and go somewhere that will

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Part of you is still in the last conversation you had. That's fine. It can sit here too.
2. 0:16Let the exhale do the work. On each one, allow a little more give.
3. 0:30There's a difference between relaxing and stopping. We're aiming for the second one, gently.
4. 0:44Let the last hour go on its own. You can pick it up again afterwards.
5. 0:58Let your shoulders stay still while your ribs move.
6. 1:09Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
7. 1:21Feel your belly. Let it be soft instead of held in.
8. 1:33Feel your hips. Wide, heavy, and doing nothing.
9. 1:44Notice your elbows. Odd things to have, but there they are.
10. 1:56Feel your tongue sitting in the bottom of your mouth.
11. 2:08You have been carrying the hollow feeling when the house is quiet for a while. You can set it down for the length of this session and pick it up after.
12. 2:30When the sense of being unseen arrives, name it once, quietly, and go back to the breath. Naming is not fixing, and that is fine.
13. 2:49Feel the slight stretch at the very bottom of the exhale.
14. 3:01Notice if you're waiting for something to happen. Nothing is scheduled.
15. 3:13Find the tightest place and simply breathe near it. Warmth does the softening, not effort.
16. 3:27Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
17. 3:39If you're irritated, that's allowed. Irritation is just weather.
18. 3:50With every out-breath, soften one place. Shoulders first, then jaw, then the space behind the eyes.
19. 4:05Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
20. 4:17Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
21. 4:28If a place will not soften, leave it alone and go somewhere that will. It often follows.
22. 4:43I'll step back. You stay here.
23. 4:53If you're distracted by a sound, let the sound be the object for a moment.
24. 5:07We are not forcing anything open. We are letting things unclench by a single degree.
25. 5:21A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
26. 5:32Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
27. 5:45Now feel both feet at once. That's a lot of contact with the world.
28. 5:59Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
29. 6:13Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
30. 6:23Feel the parts of you that have gone quiet.
31. 6:34Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
32. 6:48Stay here a little longer.
33. 6:57Feel your face. It's probably softer than it was five minutes ago.
34. 7:10If you're holding your breath at the top, stop. There's no need to hold anything.
35. 7:24A few seconds more.
36. 7:33Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
37. 7:45Notice the small pause before your body decides to breathe in again.
38. 7:58Remain here for a few more breaths.
39. 8:08Notice your hands again. Check whether they've loosened on their own.
40. 8:20You are allowed to be unimpressed by the ache of isolation. Indifference is a legitimate response.
41. 8:35Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
42. 8:46Feel the weight of the hollow feeling when the house is quiet somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
43. 9:04Let the breath be slow enough that you can hear it, just barely.
44. 9:17the sense of being unseen may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
45. 9:35Say to yourself: this is uncomfortable, and I can stay with it for one more breath. Then take that breath.
46. 9:52Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
47. 10:05Notice anything you're holding onto from earlier today.
48. 10:16If you're sleepy, sit up a little. Or let the sleepiness be there.
49. 10:29Quiet now. The next part will wait for you.
50. 10:40Unclenching is not the same as relaxing. Just stop adding the tension back.
51. 10:53Let your body keep settling.
52. 11:02Take one last look at whatever your attention settled on.
53. 11:14Before you open your eyes, notice how you feel compared to the start. It might be small.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.