Falling asleep: 20-minute letting go meditation, after a fight

About this practice

Slow, spoken guidance for falling asleep. A letting go session you can do after a fight. A guided session of about 20 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: falling asleep

Falling asleep is a passive process. The harder you aim at it, the further it moves, because the effort itself is arousal.

It tends to show up as:

Watching the clock
Getting frustrated at being awake
Sleep only arriving after giving up

Attention on something boring and continuous is the oldest trick there is. That is all a sleep story is doing.

Doing this after an argument

Do it before you re-engage or send anything
Let the physical arousal drop first — it takes minutes, not hours
Write down nothing you intend to send during it

Whatever you would write in the first ten minutes is rarely what you would say after thirty.

How letting go works

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Pick one thing you are gripping and loosen a single finger
Release the effort with the exhale, not the issue
Set down temporarily; you can pick it up again after

What happens, minute by minute

0:00If you're sitting, let the chair do the work of holding you upright.
0:13Setting something down is not the same as giving up. You can pick it up again after.
0:28Let the rhythm of your breathing set the pace, not the words.
0:41Let your attention settle on the space between your nose and your upper lip, where the air passes.
0:57Feel your breath move down your back, all the way to your lower ribs.
1:11Let the exhale empty you a little more than usual, but not to the point of strain.
1:26Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
1:38Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
1:50Feel your face. It's probably softer than it was five minutes ago.
2:03Feel the outline of yourself, from the top of your head to your heels.
2:17Notice your lower back. Let it curve however it curves.
2:29Let the exhale carry a little of the thoughts that keep the light on with it. Not all of it. Just a little, one breath at a time.
2:49Let the surrender at the end of the day be exactly as big as it is, and let your breath be exactly as slow as it is. They can coexist.
3:10Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
3:23Feel the weight of the slow drift toward sleep somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
3:40You are allowed to be unimpressed by the thoughts that keep the light on. Indifference is a legitimate response.
3:56Feel the slight stretch at the very bottom of the exhale.
4:08If you've lost track of where we were, you haven't lost anything important.
4:21We are not solving anything in the next few minutes. We are setting it down, temporarily.
4:36Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
4:48Notice how quickly your mind labels things: good, bad, boring, nice.
5:00With each exhale, let a little of the effort go. Not the problem — just the effort.
5:15I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
5:28Notice any urge to check something. You can wait two more minutes.
5:41You have been carrying this competently for a while. A few minutes off will not undo that.
5:56I'll step back. You stay here.
6:06If you're sleepy, sit up a little. Or let the sleepiness be there.
6:19Ask yourself what you could stop holding for the next sixty seconds. That one is a good start.
6:35Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
6:46If you're bored, stay with the boredom for a moment. It's usually thinner than it looks.
7:01Nothing changes for a moment.
7:10Notice how many breaths you take in a minute. Don't change the number, just check.
7:24Notice your whole body as one shape, sitting or lying here.
7:36No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
7:47Notice if you're being hard on yourself about any of this.
7:59Keep following the air.
8:08Let the in-breath be short and the out-breath unhurried.
8:19Start at the top of your head. Notice the scalp, which you almost never notice.
8:33Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
8:44Notice how you're sitting. Adjust if you need to. Then settle again.
8:57No rush to move on.
9:06Follow one full breath from the moment it starts to the moment it ends.
9:20Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
9:32A gap. Don't rush to fill it with thinking.
9:43Remain here for a few more breaths.
9:53If you're counting the minutes, that's fine. Count them and come back.
10:06Let me stop talking. Follow the breath instead.
10:17Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
10:29Count down from ten, one number per exhale.
10:40Just the breath, still.
10:49Notice if you're waiting for something to happen. Nothing is scheduled.
11:01Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
11:13Notice your heels making contact with the floor or the bed.
11:25Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
11:39Stay here a little longer.
11:48If your body wants to move, let it move, then come back.
12:01I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
12:13Feel the soles of your feet. All the weight of you goes through them.
12:27Follow the breath down into your belly and feel it come back up.
12:40No need to open your eyes yet.
12:50Notice your toes, starting with the big one on the left.
13:02Count four breaths silently. Then stop counting and just follow.
13:14Let this one be unhurried.
13:23Notice your breathing, without changing it.
13:33Notice the difference between the breath at the front of your nose and the breath in your chest.
13:49A few seconds more.
13:58Feel your calves, front and back.
14:08Let your ribs widen on the in-breath instead of your shoulders lifting.
14:21Let your body keep settling.
14:30Feel your tongue sitting in the bottom of your mouth.
14:42Whatever the surrender at the end of the day is doing right now, your breathing can keep going underneath it.
14:59Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
15:09Notice the space around the slow drift toward sleep. It is there, even if it is small. Put your attention in that space.
15:27Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose, if that's comfortable.
15:40If the thoughts that keep the light on has been with you all day, it is probably tired too. Let it rest alongside you.
15:59You have been carrying the surrender at the end of the day for a while. You can set it down for the length of this session and pick it up after.
16:21If you're holding your breath at the top, stop. There's no need to hold anything.
16:35When the slow drift toward sleep presses in, put a hand on your chest or your belly. Warmth and pressure are anchors your body already trusts.
16:54You do not have to like the thoughts that keep the light on to breathe through it. Liking was never the requirement.
17:12Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
17:25If you're distracted by a sound, let the sound be the object for a moment.
17:39If you feel emotional, you don't have to explain it to anyone, including yourself.
17:53Notice if you've been frowning at your own thoughts.
18:04Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
18:16Pick one thing you are gripping — a plan, a worry, a grudge — and loosen a single finger.
18:32Let it be this simple.
18:41Come back at your own speed. The room will wait.
18:53Let the last minute of quiet be the last minute of quiet.
19:06Take the next breath slowly.

Questions people ask

What does this session help with?

Falling asleep is a passive process. The harder you aim at it, the further it moves, because the effort itself is arousal. Attention on something boring and continuous is the oldest trick there is. That is all a sleep story is doing.

Where and when should I do this one?

Do it before you re-engage or send anything. Whatever you would write in the first ten minutes is rarely what you would say after thirty.

What actually happens during the 20 minutes?

Letting go is about loosening grip rather than dropping things. It works on the effort attached to a problem — the holding, rehearsing and bracing — which is separable from the problem itself.

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.