20-minute guided breathing practice for loneliness — before you talk

About this practice

For the times before you talk when loneliness takes up more room than you would like — 20 minutes, breathing. A guided session of about 20 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: loneliness

Loneliness registers in the body much like physical pain. It raises vigilance and lowers the threshold for reading neutral things as rejection.

It tends to show up as:

• The quiet of the house feeling loud
• Feeling unseen even in company
• Assuming you are an inconvenience

A guided voice in the room does not replace company, but it does reduce the sense of being entirely on your own with it.

Doing this before public speaking

• Do it somewhere private, or in the washroom if needed
• Slow the exhale deliberately and check your speaking pace after
• Warm the voice by reading a line aloud, not by staying silent

Rushing is the tell of nerves. A slower breath now is what sets a slower pace in the room.

How breathing works

A breathing practice uses the breath as the object of attention and as the control lever. Because exhaling slows the heart through the vagus nerve, it acts on the nervous system directly rather than through thinking.

• Keep the exhale longer than the inhale — that is the active ingredient
• Count the exhales and start again whenever you lose count
• Do not force depth; let the breath find its own level

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Keep your eyes open if you like, resting on one point of the floor a metre or two ahead.
2. 0:16Follow the air from the nostrils down to the belly, then back out. One full trip at a time.
3. 0:32Now let your attention move from the room into your body, slowly, the way you'd move through a doorway you know well.
4. 0:50There's no correct speed. Slower isn't better. Steadier is the only aim.
5. 1:03If you're holding your breath at the top, stop. There's no need to hold anything.
6. 1:17Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
7. 1:31Notice your elbows. Odd things to have, but there they are.
8. 1:43Feel your belly. Let it be soft instead of held in.
9. 1:55Feel your forearms, from the elbow down to the wrist.
10. 2:07Notice the backs of your knees, which you feel more than you think.
11. 2:20Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
12. 2:32Feel the weight of the sense of being unseen somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
13. 2:49You do not have to solve the ache of isolation in these few minutes. Your only job is to keep breathing while it is here.
14. 3:08Let the breath be shallow if shallow is what your body wants.
15. 3:21When the hollow feeling when the house is quiet arrives, name it once, quietly, and go back to the breath. Naming is not fixing, and that is fine.
16. 3:41There is a part of you that has handled hard moments before. That part is here now, even if it is quiet.
17. 3:59Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
18. 4:11If you feel numb, that's a valid thing to feel. Nothing to fix.
19. 4:24If the breath feels tight, do not deepen it. Just watch it, and let it find its own depth.
20. 4:40Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
21. 4:52Notice how you're sitting. Adjust if you need to. Then settle again.
22. 5:05Your anchor for the next few minutes is the breath itself. Nothing else needs following.
23. 5:19Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
24. 5:29Your mind will leave about a hundred times. Come back about a hundred times.
25. 5:43There is no target number here. Only the next breath, and then the one after it.
26. 5:58No words for a moment. Only the next breath.
27. 6:09Notice any tension that arrived while you weren't looking.
28. 6:20Let the counting do the work. When you lose the count, start again from one — no penalty.
29. 6:36I'll step back. You stay here.
30. 6:46If your body wants to move, let it move, then come back.
31. 6:59Stay here a little longer.
32. 7:08Notice if your breathing is faster than you expected. Don't correct it. Just note it.
33. 7:22Move to your forehead. Let it be smooth instead of gathered.
34. 7:34Nothing to follow for a moment except your own breathing.
35. 7:46Notice if you're waiting for something to happen. Nothing is scheduled.
36. 7:58No rush to move on.
37. 8:07Feel the pause at the top of the in-breath. It's shorter than you think.
38. 8:21Let your thumbs rest wherever they landed.
39. 8:31I'll stop for a moment. Take the pause at your own speed.
40. 8:44You might be planning something. Notice the planning, then come back.
41. 8:56A few seconds more.
42. 9:05Let the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath, without forcing it.
43. 9:18Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
44. 9:30I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
45. 9:42Notice the first breath of the day versus this one. They're the same mechanism.
46. 9:56Let your body keep settling.
47. 10:05If a worry shows up, name it quietly and let it sit beside you.
48. 10:19Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
49. 10:31Feel the soles of your feet. All the weight of you goes through them.
50. 10:45Notice that you don't have to start a breath. It arrives by itself.
51. 10:58Stay with it.
52. 11:06If you're irritated, that's allowed. Irritation is just weather.
53. 11:17I'll leave a gap here. Use it however you like.
54. 11:29Now the right shoulder. Let it be a centimetre lower than it was.
55. 11:42Notice the difference between the breath at the front of your nose and the breath in your chest.
56. 11:58Just the breath, still.
57. 12:07Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
58. 12:19Let's pause. Just the breathing for a while.
59. 12:30Feel your knees. They're just hinges, but they've worked hard.
60. 12:42Feel your breath move down your back, all the way to your lower ribs.
61. 12:56Stay a moment longer than is comfortable.
62. 13:06Feel your heart somewhere in there, doing its work without instructions.
63. 13:18Feel the air move past your upper lip. It's the coolest spot on the way in.
64. 13:33Let the quiet do its work.
65. 13:43Notice the space between your shoulder blades.
66. 13:53Let your belly rise first, then your chest, then the tops of your lungs.
67. 14:07Keep following the air.
68. 14:16Notice your breathing, without changing it.
69. 14:26Count down from ten, one number per exhale.
70. 14:37Let this one be unhurried.
71. 14:46Notice where your body is still holding something. Leave it alone.
72. 14:58You do not have to like the ache of isolation to breathe through it. Liking was never the requirement.
73. 15:14Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
74. 15:25Whatever the hollow feeling when the house is quiet is doing right now, your breathing can keep going underneath it.
75. 15:42Notice the small pause before your body decides to breathe in again.
76. 15:55You are allowed to be unimpressed by the sense of being unseen. Indifference is a legitimate response.
77. 16:10the ache of isolation may quiet down, or it may not. Either is fine. We are practising staying, not performing calm.
78. 16:27Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
79. 16:41If the hollow feeling when the house is quiet starts telling you a story, let the story finish without you adding to it.
80. 16:59You have been carrying the sense of being unseen for a while. You can set it down for the length of this session and pick it up after.
81. 17:19Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
82. 17:32Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
83. 17:44Notice if you're being hard on yourself about any of this.
84. 17:56Notice whether you're breathing or holding. Start breathing again.
85. 18:07Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
86. 18:19Keep the exhale a little longer than the inhale. That is the entire technique.
87. 18:33No need to open your eyes yet.
88. 18:43Take one last look at whatever your attention settled on.
89. 18:55Let your breathing be completely ordinary again.
90. 19:05Let it be this simple.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.