Guide · self-compassion · 3 min read
When the inner voice will not let something go — the short version, when you have just finished work
Self-criticism usually repeats because it is trying to prevent something. Arguing with it does not work. Understanding it sometimes does.
Start here
None of this is glamorous. All of it is doable, which matters more.
The gap right after work is the easiest one to use.
If you only do one thing from this page, do the first point below. It is first because it removes the most friction for the least effort.
What helps
Separate the behaviour from the person. "I did that badly" is workable. "I am bad at this" is not.
Write down what the voice is actually saying, in full. It is usually vaguer and less reasonable on paper than in your head.
Set a time limit on the replaying. Fifteen minutes, then do something physical. Rumination does not resolve anything; it just repeats.
What to do when it does not work
Notice how the criticism feels in your body. Chest, throat, stomach. Feeling it somewhere specific makes it smaller than a global verdict about you.
Ask what it is trying to prevent. Criticism is often a clumsy form of protection, not a verdict.
Ask whether you would say it to someone you like. If not, that is information, not an instruction to be nicer.
Questions people ask
What if the criticism is accurate?
Then it is feedback, and feedback is useful once. Repeating it forty times is not more accurate, it is just more painful.
Is this just positive thinking?
No. It is not about replacing the thought with a nicer one. It is about noticing that the thought is one opinion among several.
Written for people who want the practical version. No accounts, no tracking, no newsletter wall.