Softening for heartbreak: 10 minutes, before a presentation

About this practice

10 minutes to meet heartbreak with less of a fight. A softening practice, before a presentation. A guided session of about 10 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this before public speaking

• Do it somewhere private, or in the washroom if needed
• Slow the exhale deliberately and check your speaking pace after
• Warm the voice by reading a line aloud, not by staying silent

Rushing is the tell of nerves. A slower breath now is what sets a slower pace in the room.

How softening works

Softening is the practice of releasing held tension degree by degree rather than all at once. It targets the physical grip — shoulders, jaw, gut — that persists long after the stressor has passed.

• Soften one place per exhale rather than everything at once
• Let warmth and gravity do the work instead of muscular effort
• If a place will not soften, leave it and go somewhere that will

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Unclench your jaw. You were probably holding it without noticing.
2. 0:12Find the tightest place and simply breathe near it. Warmth does the softening, not effort.
3. 0:26If your mind is loud, that's information, not failure.
4. 0:37You can let your eyes close now if they weren't already.
5. 0:49Let the breath get soft, the way it goes when someone is reading beside you.
6. 1:03Let each breath out be a small letting go of the muscles around your ribs.
7. 1:17Notice your elbows. Odd things to have, but there they are.
8. 1:29Notice your toes, starting with the big one on the left.
9. 1:41Notice your lower back. Let it curve however it curves.
10. 1:53Notice your fingers, one by one, starting with the little finger.
11. 2:05Notice how the bruise where a relationship used to be changes shape when you stop resisting it. Usually it gets smaller, not bigger.
12. 2:23If the missing of someone starts telling you a story, let the story finish without you adding to it.
13. 2:39Notice whether you're breathing or holding. Start breathing again.
14. 2:50If a place will not soften, leave it alone and go somewhere that will. It often follows.
15. 3:05I'll leave a gap here. Use it however you like.
16. 3:17If nothing much is happening, that's not a problem. Nothing much is often the point.
17. 3:31Unclenching is not the same as relaxing. Just stop adding the tension back.
18. 3:44Silence. Let your shoulders drop again if they've crept up.
19. 3:56Notice the tone of your own inner voice. Is it kind?
20. 4:08We are not forcing anything open. We are letting things unclench by a single degree.
21. 4:22I'll step back. You stay here.
22. 4:32Notice any part of you that wants this to be over.
23. 4:44Feel the middle of your back, the part that never gets attention.
24. 4:57Feel the air as it passes the back of your throat. It's cooler going in.
25. 5:11Just the breath, still.
26. 5:20Notice your eyebrows. They're probably doing something small right now.
27. 5:32Let the exhale empty you a little more than usual, but not to the point of strain.
28. 5:47Take the next breath slowly.
29. 5:56Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
30. 6:08Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
31. 6:21Stay here a little longer.
32. 6:30Let your whole body be as heavy as it wants to be.
33. 6:43Notice the small gap after each exhale. Rest there for half a second.
34. 6:56Quiet for a moment. No need to fill it.
35. 7:07Imagine softening the edges of the raw first weeks of a breakup. Not erasing it, just letting the sharp parts go a degree softer.
36. 7:26Feel the weight of the bruise where a relationship used to be somewhere specific, then let the floor take a share of it.
37. 7:44Count four breaths silently. Then stop counting and just follow.
38. 7:56Give the missing of someone a shape, a colour, a temperature. Turning it into something specific makes it easier to hold.
39. 8:13Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
40. 8:26If you're bored, stay with the boredom for a moment. It's usually thinner than it looks.
41. 8:41Pause here. Count three breaths if you need an anchor.
42. 8:53Let the exhale do the work. On each one, allow a little more give.
43. 9:07A few seconds more.
44. 9:16Let your breathing be completely ordinary again.
45. 9:26Come back slowly. There's no prize for finishing fast.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.