Heartbreak: 12-minute softening meditation, on the train

About this practice

Nothing to learn and nothing to fix: 12 minutes of softening for heartbreak, on the train. A guided session of about 12 minutes, suited to all levels. Nothing is recorded and no account is needed.

What this works on: heartbreak

A breakup activates the same attachment system as physical separation. That is why it hurts in the chest and why the missing comes in surges.

It tends to show up as:

• Physical ache in the chest or throat
• Checking for messages you do not want
• Extreme tiredness in the first weeks

The surges pass. Having something steady to return to between them makes the first weeks less brutal.

Doing this on your commute

• Headphones on, eyes open or closed depending on your comfort
• Keep one part of your attention on your stop
• Do it standing if sitting is not possible — nobody is watching

Commuting time is already dead time. Nothing is being given up.

How softening works

Softening is the practice of releasing held tension degree by degree rather than all at once. It targets the physical grip — shoulders, jaw, gut — that persists long after the stressor has passed.

• Soften one place per exhale rather than everything at once
• Let warmth and gravity do the work instead of muscular effort
• If a place will not soften, leave it and go somewhere that will

What happens, minute by minute

1. 0:00Sit however you were already sitting. You don't have to straighten up first.
2. 0:13Find the tightest place and simply breathe near it. Warmth does the softening, not effort.
3. 0:27Now let your attention move from the room into your body, slowly, the way you'd move through a doorway you know well.
4. 0:45Let your sense of the room shrink down to just your body and the surface you're on.
5. 1:00Notice if your breathing is faster than you expected. Don't correct it. Just note it.
6. 1:14Feel the last part of the exhale, where it turns into nothing.
7. 1:27Feel your calves, front and back.
8. 1:37Feel your forearms, from the elbow down to the wrist.
9. 1:49Feel your upper back against whatever is behind it.
10. 2:00Notice your shins, which take small knocks all day and never complain.
11. 2:13If the raw first weeks of a breakup shows up, let it be there without arguing with it. You are not trying to remove it, just to sit beside it.
12. 2:34Whatever the bruise where a relationship used to be is doing right now, your breathing can keep going underneath it.
13. 2:51Breathe in for four, out for six, if you'd like something to count.
14. 3:04If you're replaying a conversation, let it play. It'll finish on its own.
15. 3:17With every out-breath, soften one place. Shoulders first, then jaw, then the space behind the eyes.
16. 3:32I'll be quiet for a moment. Stay with the breath.
17. 3:44If a song is stuck in your head, let it play in the background.
18. 3:58If a place will not soften, leave it alone and go somewhere that will. It often follows.
19. 4:13A short silence. Let it be empty.
20. 4:23Notice the moment you realise you've drifted. That moment is the whole skill.
21. 4:36Let the exhale do the work. On each one, allow a little more give.
22. 4:50Let's rest here in silence. It's short.
23. 5:00If you're sleepy, sit up a little. Or let the sleepiness be there.
24. 5:13Unclenching is not the same as relaxing. Just stop adding the tension back.
25. 5:26Silence for a few breaths. Nothing to do in it.
26. 5:38Notice the pull to make this mean something. It doesn't have to.
27. 5:51Feel your heart somewhere in there, doing its work without instructions.
28. 6:03Let the breath move at the speed of a sleeping person.
29. 6:15Let your body keep settling.
30. 6:24Let your thumbs rest wherever they landed.
31. 6:34Breathe in through your nose and out through your nose, if that's comfortable.
32. 6:47Remain here for a few more breaths.
33. 6:57Notice your wrists. They bend a lot in a day.
34. 7:09Feel the pause at the top of the in-breath. It's shorter than you think.
35. 7:23Stay here a little longer.
36. 7:32Feel the tops of your thighs.
37. 7:42Follow three breaths and let the fourth one go unobserved.
38. 7:54A few seconds more.
39. 8:03Notice the weight of your thighs, all the way down.
40. 8:15When the missing of someone presses in, put a hand on your chest or your belly. Warmth and pressure are anchors your body already trusts.
41. 8:34I'll step back. You stay here.
42. 8:44Say to yourself: this is uncomfortable, and I can stay with it for one more breath. Then take that breath.
43. 9:01Notice the first breath of the day versus this one. They're the same mechanism.
44. 9:15There is no correct amount of the bruise where a relationship used to be to be feeling right now. Whatever is here is the honest amount.
45. 9:34Nothing about the missing of someone has to be explained or justified in this room.
46. 9:48Feel the air move past your upper lip. It's the coolest spot on the way in.
47. 10:03If nothing much is happening, that's not a problem. Nothing much is often the point.
48. 10:17If you feel numb, that's a valid thing to feel. Nothing to fix.
49. 10:30Quiet now. The next part will wait for you.
50. 10:41We are not forcing anything open. We are letting things unclench by a single degree.
51. 10:55Just the breath, still.
52. 11:04Take one last look at whatever your attention settled on.
53. 11:16Stretch whatever feels stiff, then carry on.
54. 11:26Keep following the air.

Questions people ask

Meditation is a practice, not a treatment. If you are dealing with ongoing distress, please also reach out to a professional.